I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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