you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
4 words: hood of his car
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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