dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
