my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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