I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
