u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
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I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.