The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight