he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
