I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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