i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
