I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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