my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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