turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
