at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
