Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Someone signed my nipple.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
