I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
