Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
