there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
