i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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