halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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