The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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