How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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