I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
