as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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