I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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