"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
