Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
