i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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