I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
