shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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