Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
