My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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