I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
