Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
