Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
