I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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