You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
