Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
