Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.