Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
