I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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