I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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