I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
