I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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