HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
