I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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