That's intense
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
