we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
