He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
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I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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