I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
