20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
