I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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