my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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