I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
