She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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